I'm positively positive about people that annoy me

In general I’m an optimist (except when the PMS monster possesses me, but no woman can be faulted for raging then), so I have no understanding of negative people. I’d be even more of an optimist if we could send all the Negative Nancys and Doom and Gloom Garys to live in Antarctica, so the penguins can kick some sense into them, because I’m pretty sure the rest of us would start pooping rainbows.

There’s always that person – the one who screams about her kid’s failure on the soccer field, or the one who is convinced the whole world is against her because she stubbed her toe on a toy, or the one who absolutely flips out because she dropped a glass on the floor. I know people like that. Hell, I’m related to people like that. My 17 year old acts the earth will explode if even the tiniest thing goes wrong. He stomps and moans and curses until the rest of us are ready to bury him in a big hole in the desert. That’s probably why he is my arch nemesis kid.

The other day I accidentally hit the panic button on my car clicker and an old lady tried to kill me with her death ray eyes. I’m pretty sure that in her world, I hit that button just to piss her off. She did that old lady huffing and puffing thing so hard that I thought she was going to have a stroke right there on the in the middle of the parking lot. It’s hard enough to get through a lot filled with waddlers, so no one needs an old lady twitching on the ground in a puddle.

I always so much enjoy the fun little tidbits of information that negative people feel they must share. If you say you’re really excited about taking the kids to Disneyland, Negative will have to tell you all the stories she’s heard about people dying on rides. If you say you’re going on a hike in the woods, Negative will insist that you must carry pepper spray to defend against a leaping chupacabra who is intent on ripping off your face. If you say you’re moving to Hawaii, Negative will insist that you will die horribly when a volcano erupts. Negative is happy when she can attempt to sway someone into falling for her own fears.

I’ve also noticed that negative people tend to go way overboard with potential medical issues. Any mosquito bite means she contracted the West Nile Virus. A tick ensures Lyme disease. A simple headache means that she a brain tumor will leave her blind within minutes. Any freckle or bump or lump is Stage 4 cancer and a death sentence. Never mind that none of these things have yet been confirmed by a doctor. Negative relies on the internet for self-diagnosis. Negative also insists on sharing all the gory details. The only way to end a phone call about how her hemorrhoids are crawling down to her feet is to pinch your kid and make her cry – instant hanging up excuse.

Negative thinks that any mention of positive thoughts is a personal attack. You can’t just say that you hope that tick was really just a dirt clump, because then you’re undermining her feelings and what would you know about anything. If she stubs her toe, you can’t say you hope it heals quickly, because then you don’t care that when she broke it, she may have released a huge blood clot that will go to her brain and kill her while she‘s in the bathtub. Jeez, you mean horrible positive thinker. How dare you believe anything but the worst in doom and gloom.

The only thing you can do about negative people is feel sorry for them, because it must really suck to have life be that miserable. Plus, it’s a lot less messy than stabbing them repeatedly with a rusty nail. Blood is a pain in the ass to clean, and you know the CSI people always find it with luminol.