Someone didn't read their parenting books

I have a story. I’m not sure if it’s a comedy, a drama, or pure horror. The names will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. I shouldn’t protect the guilty, but I’m mostly a nice person.

I know a little girl who is almost four years old. Let’s say she’s a… hmmmmm - neighbor. We’ll call her a neighbor. Since she is almost four years old, she’s becoming more independent every single day. She dresses herself in completely clashing outfits, but that just means she’s trying to find her sense of style. She’s almost an expert on bossing around herds of boys, and she’s already managed to marry one, but I think he might have forgotten. She’ll remind him a lot, though, because she wants jewelry.

Last week this adorable little girl decided that choosing her own clothes wasn’t enough. She wanted to choose her own hairstyle too. She found some scissors, snuck away very quietly, and quickly reduced her longish blonde hair into the ultimate punk rock style. Sure, it’s a little jagged, and maybe has the quality of a cut done with a weed whacker, but she was probably really proud of herself. Her mom took her to a salon to see if there was any hope of fixing her hair, but it was a lost cause. That’s why cute hats were invented.

While telling my husband about the hair drama, the little girl’s dad asked, “Where the hell was my wife when this was happening?” He really did. That’s why I didn’t say his name. Mother’s everywhere would vilify him and might even hang him in effigy. “Where the hell was my wife when this was happening?”Oh. My. God. I can’t even wrap my head around that question.

Let’s make a list:

1. Maybe she was answering the phone.
2. Maybe she was planning your dinner.
3. Maybe she had to poop.
4. Maybe she was shaving her legs because you think you’re getting laid later.
5. Maybe she was dealing with your toddler, because he pooped and then got it on his hands and smeared it on the walls.
6. Maybe she ran out to the garage to make sure your beer was cold enough.
7. Maybe she was washing your dirty underwear.
8. Maybe she was catching up on housework, because she works full-time from home everyday.

I’m pretty sure my husband was having a hard time keeping a straight face when he told me about that question. When we had tiny kids, he was in charge of them every morning, because I left for work early. He also had them all day on his days off, because we worked opposite schedules. When Ethan was 6 or 7 months old, he fell partway down the stairs in the 3 seconds it took my husband to grab his shirt off the hanger.

I think the only punishment fitting for this dad would be for him to watch his kids 24/7 all by himself for a few days. He’ll have to monitor their every move, meaning he has to always be two places at once. He won’t be allowed to use the bathroom by himself. He’ll have to keep them from fighting with each other, and he’ll have to make sure he always has two of everything, because of the jealousy issues. At the same time, he’ll have to do personal training for his wife’s many clients, clean the house 17 times a day (kids are messy), and plan a nutritious dinner that he will have waiting for his wife when she gets home. There’s 5000 other things that need done each day, but anyone who asks, “Where the hell was my wife when this was happening?” is clearly not ready for those.